You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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