every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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