we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
