just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
