sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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