Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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