Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
