Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Did I show you my penis last night?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
