Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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