Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
