I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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