I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You have to summon your inner elephant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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