my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
