my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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