Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
