It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
We smell like vodka and hangover
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