We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
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So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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