true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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