Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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