that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.