I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Intervention is following me on twitter.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.