She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
