Why is your signature on my underwear?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
