I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
