I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
