If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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