No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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