I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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