Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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