This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
