worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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