I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If that was your dad, he is hot
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
