My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
