I could make wine with my vomit
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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