is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
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