I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
