found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Blood and glitter go together right?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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