tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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