Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
