I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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