I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
