i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
