I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
