She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
