I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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