I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
