You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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