I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
