so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
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Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
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Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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