thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
