Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
