After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
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That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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