just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
