If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
