She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You need Xanax blowdarts
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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