I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
