MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
