I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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