I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pants are for mortals
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
