your parents love me but you hate me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
