Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
