So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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