i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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