I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
