@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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